So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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