I met the friendliest cop last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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