Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
