I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
