I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
