the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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