Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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