whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
