get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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