I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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