Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I touched a dick in church today
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
