The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
