No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
