i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
