the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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