He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
