maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
