Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
