I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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