Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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