I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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