Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm getting married
To pizza
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
