Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
