Kiss
Puke
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
