He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
