I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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