so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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