Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
