I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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