dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
