i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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