Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
