he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
