I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
