so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
