he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
The best revenge is premature balding
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
