I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
