im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
