I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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