maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
