I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
