I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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