And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
