shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
