I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
