I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
