There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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