you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
