What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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