Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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