the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
