all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
